QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY (Q-TIP)!

BBird’s Words:

TAKING IT PERSONALLY -T.I.P- IS A REFLEX.

NOT TAKING IT PERSONALLY - Q-TIP - IS A CHOICE.

Taking it personally is one of my favorite subjects.  It is also one of my biggest personal challenges.  Since I am guilty of doing this myself, I can easily recognize it in others. I think taking it personally causes problems for many pet groomers.  We are often unconscious about how it affects our relations with clients, coworkers, employers and managers.

 

WHAT IS T.I.P. “TAKING IT PERSONALLY?”

Whenever you interact with others, you can hear them and let go of their words, or take what they are saying personally. Taking it personally is often the result of perceiving a person’s actions or words as an affront or slight.  This perception is your interpretation.  To take something personally, you must read negative intent in an individual’s words or actions.  However, what other people do and say is based on their experiences, emotions and perceptions, and has little to do with YOU.  They are just saying and doing; YOU are interpreting it. If you interpret it as personal, you may feel hurt without reason. 

 

Elayne Savage has written extensively on this subject.  She states that when we take things personally:

·          We perceive someone's actions as a personal affront.

·          We feel slighted or wronged.

·          We get upset when others don't see things our way.

·          We believe others are taking sides against us.

·          We feel blamed or blame ourselves.

 

Dr.Savage states that taking things personally is connected to feeling rejected – betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon, humiliated, or bullied. We feel "dissed"

in some way – disrespected, discounted, disapproved of,  or unappreciated. Someone says or does something – or neglects to say or do something - and we find ourselves overreacting.

 

HOW T.I.P. SHOWS UP

Here are some ways in which taking it personally shows up at the workplace:

·         Inability to accept professional criticism - it is received as a personal attack. Being constantly defensive – the person who is blaming others is avoiding personal blame.

·         Easily angered and aggressive – attacking first is a form of defense.

·         Being arrogant and diva-like - this builds walls around the ego.

·         Easily crying or “losing it.” – conflict is unbearably painful and results in a meltdown.

·         Winning or being right is more important than problem solving - every crisis becomes a battleground.

·         Perfectionism and inability to complete work – fear of being judged keeps the perfectionist from calling the job “good enough”.

 

For the professional pet groomer, T.I.P. can have serious consequences.  An inability to accept criticism can limit professional growth and development.  It can also interfere with communication with clients.  Clients can recognize when we have trouble with criticism and may choose to keep silent about complaints.  They don’t want to hurt our feelings.  If these unexpressed complaints pile up, they may leave and go elsewhere without communicating.  Taking it personally stifles communication.  It  can also be a source of internal pressure and stress.  It can affect how we view clients, and can contribute to groomer burnout.  It may limit our ability to solve problems.  This can result in feeling boxed in and stuck in a miserable situation. 

 

WHERE T.I.P. COMES FROM

Having hurt feelings and taking it personally comes from our interpretation of someone’s words or actions as having hurtful intent.  These interpretations often relate to key experiences and repeated messages of our childhood.

 

Old hurts can trigger T.I.P., especially those occurring in our families, with childhood peers, teachers, and other relationships where we experienced rejection or disloyalty.  We can replay a painful childhood event of betrayal hundreds of times in hundreds of scenes with different actors. Some types of people, situations, or messages trigger our instant replay, and suddenly we respond through our old filter.  We feel as though our customer was our alcoholic parent, competitive cousin, or neighborhood bully. They act. We interpret, we feel “dissed”.  The more it hurts, the more likely it is to be attached to some old garbage.   

 

INTERPRETING – JUDGING OTHERS

One aspect of how we interpret others is whether we judge them.  When we assign negative labels to people, we are more likely to interpret their words and actions negatively. Sometimes we will even seek agreement from coworkers, or our Internet friends that serves to justify our feelings.  Agreeing with each other about our negative judgment of clients, coworkers, managers, or employers makes it extra difficult to Q-TIP.    

 

SITUATIONAL AND HEALTH FACTORS

            There are times when we are more likely to take it personally.  At new jobs and in situations where we are not well established, we are more likely to react this way.  In addition, when we are under a lot of stress, fatigued, or suffering from ill health, we are more likely to assume the worst. When we are happy and healthy, we give people the benefit of the doubt, and are more likely to operate from an intelligent assessment than an automatic reaction.  

 

Q-TIP (QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY)

We are all guilty of Taking It Personally. It is unrealistic to expect ourselves NEVER to react in this way. Our goal should be to manage and control our tendency to take it personally. By first recognizing when we are reacting in this way, we can then choose a more productive position. We can Q-TIP.

 

In our grooming work, it is especially difficult to Q-TIP, because it is a very personal product. Each groom is the result of our personal time and effort on that dog. We take pleasing our customers very seriously. You cannot get much more personal!

It is very understandable that we might get defensive when the client is unhappy.

 

 

HOW DO WE Q-TIP?

Success requires a commitment to communication and problem solving that is greater than our need to be “right”.

 

MAKE THE COMMITMENT: Simply wishing for improvement or change is not enough; make a commitment to Q-TIP.

 

IDENTIFY YOUR TRIGGERS: In what kinds of situations are you most likely to take it personally? Are there times when you are more at risk?

 

OBSERVE YOURSELF IN ACTION: Notice how you are and catch yourself in the act of taking it personally.

 

CREATE SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN YOURSELF AND THE UPSET: Take a deep breath, excuse yourself and get a drink of water. Sometimes you can reschedule the conversation for a better time when you are less vulnerable. 

 

CHOOSE TO LET IT GO: Make a choice NOT to go with your automatic first reaction. Consider that the person may be having a bad day, a bad marriage, a bad life, or a personality disorder.  Deal with the situation professionally and remind yourself, “It’s not about me.” 

 

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE: Changing emotional habits does not happen overnight. Every time you are successful in realizing that you are taking something personally and choosing not to “go there”, you gain power over your subconscious. Expect to slip-up.

USE A VISUAL AID:

Let an actual Q-tip be a visual reminder of your commitment and practice taking it professionally rather than personally every day in every way.

 

 

 

References:

(Elayne Savage, www.queenofrejection.com)

Elayne Savage, Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing With Rejection, iUniverse, Inc. 2002.

Comments

[Christein Sertzel]

Wonderful article!

[BigDogLover]

Thanks, I needed that reminder! This work is very personal and it's very easy to let something little ruin your entire day (or week).

[Beth]

This article and the previous one hit home instantly. I feel like you're talking directly to me. Thank you for this. It's really good to see it in writing, rather than thinking I'm going insane.

[quynh rodriguez]

This is great advice and do I have your permission to post it on my Facebook for my friends to read? As a salon owner, I struggle to q-tip with my customers and employees but it's hard. Thank you for all your articles, I have always been a fan of your blog and am a faithful follower.