Does it sometimes seem as though employees or customers must be deaf, or perhaps understand in another language? Most of us take communication for granted, and we assume that because we have the intention to communicate , we will be heard and understood. Not so, say writers in the business communication field. Here are some common pitfalls these writers identify that get in the way of getting our message across.
We assume that what is said is what is heard, and what we hear is what was said. There is a big distinction between hearing and listening. Much gets in the way of our actually absorbing what another is saying, including our own personality traits, mental and physical distractions, concentration ability, emotions, and even health and well-being. Listening ability can vary from person to person, day to day, moment to moment. Effective listening is a skill that requires practice and development. We cannot count on our customers or employees to be working on it. (But we can work on ourselves)
We think people think like us. It is not realistic to assume that everyone grasps the same meaning from any particular statement. Cultural background and family communication styles and personal background often affect how people interpret what we say. Because we do not all think alike, it is necessary to ask questions and request feedback in order to establish that our intent is clear. Simply delivering your message is not enough.
We hear through our own thoughts and feelings. Because our thought speed is much faster than speech, the listener’s brain can start working ahead of the speaker. This results in drawing conclusions about what is being said rather than hearing it all, and thinking about and reacting to what is being said rather than listening. Effective listening requires putting your own mind on a leash.
We sometimes bury important messages by saying too much. We can be guilty of saying too little or saying too much. Giving too much reasoning and justifying ourselves can result in our key points being lost in the shuffle. Likewise, if we are busy being an “expert” the key element can be obscured. Practice highlighting and underscoring your speech so as to make your emphasis clear, and repeat key points or summarize for your listener if you have covered a lot of ideas.
We like to be right. Here is what Goldie Newman of Mandel Newman Associates, a communications writer and coach, says about this: “We like to be right and there is a belief that winning at all cost is worth it. One of the greatest myths is that assertive behavior results in people getting what they want when they want it: that winning arguments and getting in the last work is the ultimate goal. If we allow ourselves to accept this myth, then there can be no dialogue and no communication. There is a fine line between aggressive and assertive behavior and having to be right all the time crosses that line. Assertive behavior involves negotiating and problem solving. It recognizes motivation, personal self worth and respect for differences. Although we like to be right, it does not always bring us the results we want in the long run.”
We (unintentionally) make people feel judged or insufficient. Being an expert or being the boss carries a responsibility for delivering our messages without transmitting guilt, blame and judgment. When people feel judged, listening is shut down, and defensive thinking begins.
We draw conclusions before we have the facts. After we reach our “conclusion” about what is being said, we may ignore information that does not support our conclusion and interpret other information so that it supports our conclusion even if we have to “bend” the information to fit. When listening, suspend judgment while you listen to the other person so that you can receive the information from them without adding your own “spin”. When speaking, get feedback from your listener to make sure they are getting your real point. A good example of this communication pitfall is when our clients “hear” the veterinarian say that a post-grooming problem must have been the fault of the groomer. The vet may have mentioned the grooming as one of several possibilities, and the pet owner draws the conclusion that we are to blame.
We tend to hear what supports our own thinking. Taking in information that is contrary to what we already think or believe requires an open mind and an open position. To determine if your listener is blocking your message, you can ask for feedback. “Does this go along with your thinking?” “What do you think about this?” These questions will help you know when you need to clarify your point.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO BE HEARD?
We have listed only a few of the common communications pitfalls that can get in the way of being heard. Here are a few things you can do to make your speaking more effective:
Practice effective listening. If you are listening intently to the other, putting your own thoughts on a leash, suspending judgment, and repeating back to what you think you are hearing, you are modeling for your listener. When people feel heard themselves, they are more likely to listen to you.
Speak with the INTENTION of being understood. Look at the person to whom you are speaking, have some eye contact. Speak clearly, at an appropriate volume. Lean slightly toward the person you are addressing. Watch for clues in the listener’s body language that they are understanding what you are saying.
Repeat important messages. Don’t expect your listener to get it the first time. Say your important points in more than one way. Teachers tell us that, in order for learning to occur, a point must be stated three times. Don’t take communication for granted.
Make important points stand out from the general conversation. Highlight and underscore in your speech. You can even say, “Here’s an important point that I’d like to make.” That tells your listener it’s time to go into a concentrated listening mode in order to “get it.”
Ask for feedback and response. Don’t assume that what you said was what was heard. Ask questions, such as, “Is that how you see it?” “Am I being clear?” “What do you think?”
Make sure your body language and tone matches your message. Folding arms, shaking head in disbelief and rolling eyes are to be avoided as they indicate judgment or disinterest. Shifting your weight from side to side suggests impatience. Failure to make eye contact conveys insincerity. Also be careful that you are not sarcastic or overly chiding in your tone.
Let go of your need to be right. We often state our views as non-negotiable, the bottom line. Speak and think in terms of “a way” rather than “THE way.” Overly authoritative behavior inhibits any kind of dialogue. People will withhold information and their thoughts and not share with you, rather than be made “wrong.” Assertive communication encourages negotiating, problem solving, planning and discussing. It recognizes that we are open to new ideas and perspectives and realizes that we cannot accept or incorporate all of them. The final decision is an informed decision because it is based on a collaborative process.
Think in terms of negotiating agreements with others, rather than just giving instructions. Admonishing pet owners for lack of care rarely works to achieve better pet care. Making them feel worthy and asking for agreement works ever so much better. Instead of saying, “You’ve got to brush him out more if I’m going to leave him fluffy,” say “If you could agree to do more combing at home, I could agree to leave more length.”
Incorporate the concept of “what works”. This is especially important in negotiating agreement from customers and employees. Asking people if an agreement works for them and speaking in terms of what works and does not work for you gives you a non-judgmental way of encouraging their cooperation. For example, if a pick up time is simply assigned, without confirming that it works for the client, they may not tell you that it is going to be difficult for them to make it. If they say that it works, however, it is a much stronger agreement. The “what works” concept serves you in setting limits and explaining policies and procedures, without necessitating a lot of explanation and does not imply judgment. It simply works or does not work. Practice using this and you will be amazed at the results in your communication.
HERE’S TO IMPROVED COMMUNICATION: MAY YOU ALWAYS BE HEARD!
Copyright Birdzye Press, BBird author, May 2009. Contact Barbara Bird, bbird@dakotacom.net, 520-795-5743 for permission to use any content. Thanks.
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